Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
I know very well the rules of islam regarding obeying parents.But is it necessary to obey them for each and everything they say?? For example i was forced to do bcom when i wanted to do interior designing.Now i`m forced for a marriage that i dont like. When i say a no for this marriage my parents hit me and curse me and they say if they curse me then Allah also will curse me and then i will never live happily in my entire life and here after. But i don't like to get married to this guy whom my father is asking me to marry.Aren`t there any rules in islam regarding parents understanding their children and seeing their happiness also. Because my parents don't understand we children at all and we are forced for so many things. Please help.
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Answer:
Limit of parents rights
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Respected sister in Islam, one cannot over-emphasize the importance and significance of serving and being dutiful to ones parents in Islam Second only to the heinous and the ultimate abomination of shirk in the Sight of Allah is for an off-spring to be undutiful to ones parents!
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:
Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 36:
36 Serve Allah and join not any partners with Him: and do good to parents kinsfolk orphans those in need neighbors who are near neighbors who are strangers the companion by your side the way-farer (ye meet) and what your right hands possess: for Allah loveth not the arrogant the vainglorious;
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah
I asked: O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom should I show kindness most? He (saws) replied: Your mother. I asked (again): Who next?. He (saws) replied: Your mother!. I asked: Who next? He (saws) replied: Your mother! I asked again: Who next? and he (saws) replied: Your father, and then your relatives in order of relationship.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah
Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said, "Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I have come to consult you. He (saws) asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said, "Stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha
The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas
The Prophet (saws) was asked about the Kabair (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:--
To join others in worship with Allah,
To be undutiful to one's parents,
To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
And to give a false witness."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."
Such is the rank and status the Lord Most High has accorded to parents in Islam that only after the rights due to Allah Subhanah and His Messenger (saws), the biggest rights in all mankind are due to ones parents, regardless of whether ones parents are believers or disbelievers! Thus it is absolutely obligatory upon the believers who sincerely fear Allah and the Last Day to be devoutly obedient to each and every lawful wish and command of their parents.the only, and we reiterate ONLY time a believer is permitted to disobey the command or wish of their parents is if they ask their off-spring to do anything which is clearly against the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqmaan verses 14-15:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (Hear the command:) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) goal.
15 But if they strive to make and join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not (in that command of theirs); yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me: in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the Truth of all that ye did."
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 29 Surah Ankabut verses 8-9:
8 We have enjoined on man kindness to parents: but if they (either of them) strive (to force) thee to join with Me (in worship) anything of which thou hast no knowledge obey them not (in that command of theirs). Ye have (all) to return to Me and I will tell you (the Truth) of all that ye did.
9 And those who believe and work righteous deeds, them shall We admit to the company of the Righteous.
Now to answer your specific questions:
Your Question: But is it necessary to obey them for each and everything they say??
The only beings to whom absolutely unconditional obedience is due is to Allah Subhanah and His Messenger (saws) alone..the command, orders, or requests of all others, and we reiterate, absolutely all other beings will only followed if that order or command is not against the Guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws)!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3696 Narrated by An-Nawwas ibn Sam'an
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "A creature is not to be obeyed when it involves disobedience to the Creator."
Your Statement: For example i was forced to do bcom when i wanted to do interior designing.
Respected sister, in all of mankind, one would find no better well-wisher for one than ones own parents! If one wished or desired to pursue one subject as their major, and their parents desired another.and one was unable to convince their parents regarding their choice of subject major..and one sacrificed their desire to fulfill their parents desire only for the Sake of Allah Subahnah, rest assured that they shall have their reward in the Presence of their Lord for their sacrifice and their obedience.
Besides sister, you are at absolute liberty to do both in this particular case.if time permits and Allah Wills, you can always pursue your desire after you have fulfilled the desire of your parents.
Your Statement: Now "i`m forced for a marriage that i dont like. When i say a no for this marriage my parents hit me and curse me and they say if they curse me then allah also will curse me and then i will never live happily in my entire life and here after. But i dont like to get married to this guy whom my father is asking me to marry".
Respected sister, we reiterate again, in all of mankind, one would find no better well-wisher for one than ones own parents!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on earth and extensive corruption.'
Islam guides that a marriage is not a simple union between just two people, but rather a union of two families.thus neither should the parents/guardians force their daughters into a marriage she does not consent to; nor should the girl seek to marry someone without prior consultation and consent of her sincere best well-wishers in all of mankind, ie. her parents/guardians.
Secondly, as much as Islam guides the believing woman who seeks to marry to consult and seek the consent of her guardians/parents; the absolute final decision and right of whether to agree to marry a person or not is in the hands of the bride herself alone. Islam has given the believing woman the absolute right to decide whether she wills to marry a person or not; and that is precisely why her agreement and acceptance to her marriage at the time of nikaah is an absolutely obligatory condition for a marriage to be deemed legal in Shariah Law.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 9.101 Narrated by Aisha
Allah's Messenger (sws) said, "It is essential to have the consent of a virgin (for her marriage). I (Aisha) said, "A virgin feels shy." The Prophet (saws) said, "Her silence means her consent."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 9.98 Narrated by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "A virgin should not be married till she is asked for her consent; and the matron (divorcee, widow, etc.) should not be married till she is asked whether she agrees to marry or not." It was asked, "O Allah's Messenger (saws)! How will she (the virgin) express her consent?" He (saws) said, "By keeping silent."
It is an absolutely obligatory condition of a marriage to be legal in Shariah for the bride to consent to her marriage. If the bride is a virgin, and she feels shy to declare or respond her approval, her silence will be accepted as her approval; but if a matron (one who is divorced, or a widow, etc.) is to marry, her silence will not be accepted as her approval, but she must verbally declare her acceptance to the Judge conducting the marriage.
If for any reason the girl who is forced to marry a person against her will, especially if she is not completely satisfied with the character or practice of religion of her suitor.all she ever has to do is verbally decline and declare to the Judge conducting the marriage that she is unwilling to marry the said person; a marriage in Islam can never be valid without the prior consent of the bride.
If the guardians of the bride are forcing a marriage unto their daughter, and the girl is not completely satisfied with the character or practice of religion of her suitor, or for any other valid reason she does not wish to accept this proposal.the girl is well within her rights in Islam to politely (but firmly) reject the proposal making sure that she does not transgress the boundaries of humility and etiquette required of a believer towards their parents in Islam..even if the refusal of their daughter to the proposal hurts her parents, there would be no sin upon the daughter for exercising her lawful right of refusal.
If the parents know that their daughter is not willing to marry a person of their choice, it would only be righteousness and prudence on their part that they seek to marry their daughter to another person whom both, they and their daughter consent.
Your Question: Aren`t there any rules in islam regarding parents understanding their children and seeing their happiness also.
Such is the natural bond of mercy and love bestowed by the Lord Most Merciful between the relationship of a parent towards their children, that if one were to search the whole of the Glorious Quran and the whole of the authentic Sunnah, one would be hard pressed to find a verse or a guidance whereby the parents are Commanded to love or have mercy on their children! Such is the naturally bestowed phenomena of this relationship of mercy of a parent towards their off-spring, that this mercy is abundantly evident and found even in the animal kingdom.
Because this mercy and this love of a parent towards their off-spring is abundantly and naturally bestowed in the heart of every parent, a need does not arise in Shariah to guide or command or set any rules in the relationship of parents towards their off-spring! In contrast, time and time again Allah and His Messenger (saws) have guided and Commanded the believers to show mercy, reverence, respect and be tender and kind towards their parents.so much so, that ones relationship with ones parents will determine whether one attains salvation in the eternal and everlasting life of the Hereafter or not!
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
in addition,
Marriage is supposed to tie a man and a woman together and strengthen their relationship. Today the world is seeing a new era where marriage is no longer considered necessary or even significant for a relationship. Islam has laid down rules and regulations for marriage and has considered marriage an important and essential part of a Muslim’s life. This lack of understanding has in itself caused behaviour prohibited in Islam such as masturbation, sexual relationships/encounters outside of Nikah (marriage), etc which are increasing day by day. I will attempt to unfold these issues using The Holy Quran and the saying of the messenger of Allah: Muhammad .
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:
“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)
The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)
“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.
We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions,
Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.
As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.
If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;
Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”
He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)
At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a`yunin wa’j`alna lil muttaqina imama.
May the Almighty ALLAH (سبحانه وتعالى) grant us a righteous spouses who will make us to worship ALLAH (سبحانه وتعالى) in the best manner everyday of our lives.
Allah Humma Aameen.
Da'wah ALLAH (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى)
Oh Allah I have conveyed the message!!!
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