Description: Simple and straightforward essential marriage advise for new Muslims.
Objective:
· To list some matters for a new Muslim to reflect upon before getting serious about
marriage
Arabic Terms:
· Istikharah prayer - the prayer for Guidance
· InshaAllah " God willing, if God wills it to be so. It is a reminder and acknowledgment
that nothing happens except by the will of Allah
First Things to KnowOne of the most useful advice, in the opinion of
this author, is that a new Muslim should take Islam
one piece at a time. It is a total way of life that
needs time to adjust. It can take years to leave
many non-Islamic behaviors, but sticking to Islam
brings happiness in this life and in the one to come.
Therefore, allow yourself time to grow as a Muslim
and practice what you learn.
For a new Muslim, this author would advise to wait at least a year, preferably more,
before thinking about getting married. Marriage is a big decision and one must allow
oneself sufficient time to grow before making such a life-changing decision. Many of your
views will change after entering into Islam. Marriage will set a direction for your life and
determine how you identify yourself later in life. What you may find acceptable today,
may not be acceptable after a few years of being a Muslim. Instead of looking to getting
married right away, spend some time to not just learn, but live Islam. You would want to
marry someone with the same dedication and level of application to Islam as you. That
level will fluctuate in the normative years of becoming a Muslim.
Often times, a new Muslim finds himself lonely after accepting Islam, therefore, getting
married too early to seek companionship usually results in a quick divorce and bitterness.
People often times forget that marriage requires financial and emotional stability.
Marriage Advise (part 1 of 2) 1 of 3 www.NewMuslims.com
After establishing a stable base to stand on for your new religion, you can learn the
details of marriage in Islam.
Finding a Muslim Life Partner
What is the purpose of your creation? It is to worship Allah and to draw close to Him.
Consequently, choose a mate who will help you fulfill your purpose of creation. Do not
ignore the factors in a prospective partner that will assist you in the life to come. This way,
Insha-Allah, your love will be blessed.
Consider how seriously your prospective partner tries to draw close to Allah, and not
just how physically attractive he or she appears. At the same time, keep in mind that
certain level of physical attraction is necessary to get married. Moreover, just because
someone is trying their best to be good Muslim does not mean they are faultless or even
suitable for marriage. Sufficient inquiries will have to be made.
A new Muslim enters into Islam with a lot of preconceived notions and ideas that shape
their outlook on how they perceive things. Western culture promotes marriage as a
commitment to one person after having dated or even lived with many, knowing that one
is the oeright” person. The Islamic concept is much different. For example, in Islam you
typically do not oefall in love” before marriage, but after marriage. In Islam, marriage is
not a result of romantic love only, which brings intense love in the beginning, followed by
later disappointment. In the West, as quickly as people oefall in love,” they oefall out of
love!” In the West, people imagine their oehoneymoon phase” will last forever. It never
does. That is why, people keep hopping from one partner to another, trying to keep up the
excitement.
Islam, on the other hand, sobers us to stay together when the oehoneymoon phase”
ends. It gives you guidelines to sustain a healthy relationship for the rest of your life. Love
is definitely part of an Islamic marriage, but not the type that is shown in movies and teen
romance novels. It is not sensible to destroy your life looking for romantic love that only
exists in movies and novels.
Common Sense in Marriage
1. Allah warns us,
oeAnd do not marry unbelieving women until they believe…even
though she attracts you. Nor marry believing women to unbelievers
until they believe…even though he attracts you. Unbelievers invite
you towards the Fire...” (Quran 2:221)
The person you will live with the rest of your life will without doubt have a great
influence on you. Therefore, you should ensure you have similar goals in life. The top of
those goals should be seeking Allah’s pleasure. When you meet your prospective spouse,
ask questions. Just because a man looks religious, does not mean he does not smoke or
Marriage Advise (part 1 of 2) 2 of 3 www.NewMuslims.com
prays regularly on time. Similarly, if a woman appears religious does not mean she knows
how to be a good Muslim wife and mother. Ask about matters that are important to you.
Do not take anything for granted. Discuss finances, children, in-laws, work or study after
marriage, division of chores, in short, anything that is important to you. It will help you
make a decision about whether you want to marry that person or not.
Finding out about the person before marriage is not un-Islamic. Informed decision will
save you from much pain and suffering later. Moreover, offer the Istikharah prayer (the
prayer for Guidance).[1]
2. Do not expect major changes in a person after marriage. People change with time, and often
they do not change how we expect them to or want them to change. For example, if someone has
a particular personality trait like stinginess or wastefulness, it is unlikely to change quickly and
easily. Getting married with false hopes is ill-advised and risky. Do not criticize someone for their
physical flaws later in life. It will ruin your marriage. Be honest with others and yourself and take
responsibility for your choices. A initial choice will determine how much effort you will have to put
later in your marriage to lead a happy married life pleasing to your Creator.
It is also important to think carefully before bringing a child into the couple’s life. A
baby should be brought into a healthy, stable marriage. Many people end up being single
parents, bringing children into a dysfunctional family where there is either no dad or no
mom.
3. That two people are good Muslims does not mean they will make a good couple.
Compatibility is essential. It is important to choose a spouse who views and practices Islam like
you. Furthermore, religion is not the only area of compatibility. Work, continuing education,
socialization, city of residence, kids, and finances are also among important areas.
4. Realize what are your rights and responsibilities as a Muslim husband or wife and fulfill them
to the best of your ability.
5. Lastly, it is beneficial for newcomers to Islam to search for a role model. Follow the role model
in what they do according to Islam and leave the rest.
Endnotes:
[1] For more information on Istikharah, please see: http:///skbola.blogspot.com